Feature Friday: The Terror of Tiny Town

When I was a kid, I had a hard time falling asleep. (Having a hard time STAYING asleep came along later, and breaking my back in Jr. High didn't help.) One of my favorite things to combat this pseudo-insomnia was to stay up late with Dad and watch the Late Late  Show and split a carton of Pralines n' Cream ice cream.

I can't tell you how many horrible black and white films we watched at 1am under the tutelage of Commander USA, and his Groovie Movies. From the little known King Kong sequel, Son of Kong ("He's a swell little scraper.""Tough break.") to the just plain bad, Missile To The Moon ("Stay out of the sun! It'll fry you alive!").

But the best (or worst, depending how you look at it) had to be The Terror of Tiny Town. I don't know if it was the obvious studio back-lot western setting, the lack of plot whatsoever, or the non-existent acting that made it so hard to watch.

I think, maybe, it was the midgets...

Title: The Terror of Tiny Town
Year: 1938
Director: Sam Newfield
Staring: Billy Curtis, Yvonne Moray, 'Little Billy' Rhodes, Billy Platt, John T. Bambury, Joseph Herbst, Charles Becker, Nita Krebs, George Ministeri, Karl 'Karchy' Kosiczky, Fern Formica

"An evil gunslinging midget comes to terrorize the good little people of Tiny Town. The townspeople organize to defeat him, and zany antics ensue."

You know? I really don't even need to write anything else. That one sentence sums it up quite well.

But then, you wouldn't hear about the actors having to reach up to swing the bat wing doors of the saloon. You's miss out on the daring cowboy stunts with a team of wild stallions - er, Shetlen ponies (I kid you not). Nor would you bear witness to singing talent that would have Simon Cowel put a gun to his forehead. And the acting, dear God, the acting. Well, let's just say that Steven Seagal will win a Oscar before any of this cast will...

From our hero Buck (Curtis), his girl Nancy (Moray), and her Uncle Jim (Moray), to the Big Bad, Bat Haines (Rhodes), and who could forget the German vampire, Nita (Krebs), ((I can't make this stuff up, People)), plus the fact that it was supposed to be SERIOUS, it really may be one of the worse films I've ever seen. And, I've seen a lot, let me tell ya. (Don't forget, these are the same actors who filled out the cast of the Muchkins in the merry ole land of Oz. They WERE the Lollypop Guild!))

Still, I laugh until I cry every time I see it. (I own a worn VHS copy of it taped back during those days of innocence, and just ordered the DVD copy I found while writing this article, just to give my future kids more reasons to hate me.)

This one's for you, Dad. Break out your copy and enjoy it this Father's Day weekend. The rest of you, should you ever come across it, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Jos

"Things ain't what they used to be and probably never was." ~Will Rogers