Valoween

RRRRIIINNNGGG

ME: Yeah-lo?

LADY STEPH: Hey!

ME: Oh, hey.

LADY STEPH: So. Where did you and (NAME WITHHELD) go for Valentine's Day?

ME: We, uh, we went to Sue Ellen's.

LADY STEPH: Sue Ellen's? Honey, Sue Ellen's is a lesbian restaurant and bar.

ME: Really? Didn't notice.

LADY STEPH: No need for sarcasm. Just, why would you take her there?

ME: It was her friend, (NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER)'s idea. She just came out last weekend, and didn't want to spend V-Day by herself. (NAME WITHHELD) thought it'd be good for her to be around other people right now.

LADY STEPH: She brought a friend along on a Valentine's Day dinner?

ME: Wasn't my idea.

LADY STEPH: I didn't know (NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER) was gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

ME: Thank you, Seinfeld.

LADY STEPH: Again with the sarcasm. Why...wait. What happened?

ME: ...

LADY STEPH: Talk to me, Choir Boy.

ME: Well...

LADY STEPH: Yeah?

ME: Dinner was ok. The place was packed, people everywhere. Very loud. Not my first choice for a 6 month anniversary date.

LADY STEPH: That's right. I forgot. How did you manage to arrange an anniversary on Valentine's Day?

ME: I wasn't thinking. Anyway, despite the noise, and the crowd, and (NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER), things were going well. Until...

LADY STEPH: Until what?

ME: Until dessert. We had a brownie sundae. Not bad.

LADY STEPH: You're stalling.

ME: Yeah. So after I paid the check, (NAME WITHHELD) said she wanted to tell me something.

LADY STEPH: And?

ME: Yeah. She said that while we'd had some fun...

LADY STEPH: No! She broke up with you?

ME: There's more.

LADY STEPH: What else could there be be?

ME: She said...she informed me that I'd...

LADY STEPH: What? You'd what?

ME: Failed the test.

LADY STEPH: The test? What...Oh. No. She didn't.

ME: Score one for the other team.

LADY STEPH: She came OUT on your 6 month anniversary? On...on Valentine's Day?

ME: Pretty much.

LADY STEPH: Oh, honey. Well, you know, she did have big hands.

ME: Shut up.

LADY STEPH: And she did kick your butt in video games.

ME: Shush.

LADY STEPH: And she did have the biggest adam's apple.

ME: Bite me.

LADY STEPH: Kidding! Just kidding. I'm so sorry.

ME: Yeah. Me to. I still had to drive the happy couple home.

LADY STEPH: Couple? No! Her and (NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER)? No way!

ME: Way.

LADY STEPH: She came out to you, made you pay for dinner, and drive her and her new girlfriend home?

ME: I paid for (NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER) too.

LADY STEPH: You are too nice. Can we, like, nominate you for sainthood or something?

ME: Story of my life.

LADY STEPH: And you're still sober?

ME: I need chocolate.



Hey, Kids. This is your Uncle Josh here. The event mentioned above happened 9 years ago today. It's a tragedy, one that could happen to anyone. Even you. Well, maybe not you, but perhaps to someone you know. But, it doesn't have to.

Romance is supposed to be remembered every day. Not just on the 14th of February.

That's why I'm boycotting this annual "holiday" that exists only to make the candy and the flower and the card and the jewelry people that much more money. Money you worked hard for, I might add.

And, you can help. By supporting your fellow single friends. For just a few dollars, the cost of a Shiner and a chocolate chip cookie, you can make a difference in a single person's life.

Go, relationship people, go spend some time with those who have too much of it on their hands. Sit on their couch and watch TV. Order a pizza tonight and use that V-Day card as a placemat. Give those diamond earrings to your mother instead. You owe her that much.

You can spend time with your significant other tomorrow. Let today belong to the few, the sad, the single!

Long Live Valoween!!!!!

-Jos

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." ~Erich Segal