What We Can't Have

So this is the 5th day I've been up at the 3 o' clock hour this week (and the past 2 days have nothing to do with my back). I just can't seem to get into a regular rhythm of "normal" sleep. Sure, work is stressful, but it's never kept me up like this before. No, this is something else. It's that slow, dull ache in my bones that screams that something is not quite right in the world. That a change is needed. Granted, I've made some decisions in the past couple of months to bring about some of these changes: this blog, the Everwood script, meeting some new (and inspiring) people. But I need more. As with most of the big decisions, my timing couldn't be worse. I always seem to place myself in a position to reach that fabled golden ring, only to discover that the carousel has rotated it just out of reach. It is true: We always want what we can't have, and I'm not very happy about it. And it's not just a matter of patience, Lord knows I have my share, it's the knowledge that once I finally make up my mind to pursue something, forces out of my control line up to make sure I don't succeed. Some would say (myself included) that these things happen for a reason, and they usually do, I just wish I knew why. And, that's not to say that I'm giving up. It's saying that I'm gearing up for the long haul. I can be quite stubborn when I need to be, and this time is no different. It's just that the road ahead is very dark.

Now, I'm not one to air my emotions out there for just anyone to see, so no, this won't be an occurring thing, I just needed to vent this morning. Thanks for reading.

-Jos

"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late." ~Charles Caleb Colton